wesHowdy ladies... And gentlemen. I'm Wesley but ladies you can call me Wes(fellas you can call me Mr Wes). My job is to make your relationship run smoother, give you the do's and don't's. So any question you got just go ahead and lay it on me. I'll always have time for you.

black man cheating


Five things men are looking for when they cheat:

1. Emotional connection.

As relationships mature, power struggles tend to become more prevalent (as obvious as the "I'm Right"/"No, I'm Right" conversation and as subtle as the timing and frequency of s-ex). When a man experiences repeated

power struggles with his spouse, his natural tendency is to "go to his cave", which really means get quiet and distant and grumpy! Which makes emotional connection that much more difficult. Over time he misses the emotional connection he previously felt with his spouse.
When he meets someone new and they accept him for "who he is" it's much easier for him to connect with his emotions and feel connection with this new and interesting person. Of course when the lust and honeymoon period are over and the power struggles start to arise in the new relationship he'll likely revert to his well-learned pattern and his struggles will start all over again.

2. Appreciation.

Men loved to be appreciated and like so many people they don't really know how to accept appreciation! Or how to ask for it or even how to give it to themselves (or to other people for that matter). So when it stops being quite so plentiful from their spouse and if the relationship contains a heavy dose of blame and criticism (as most do) or even possibly contempt, men start looking for positive affirmations from others. With the new love interest everything is wonderful — he is wonderful — in the first flush of a new relationship — then we all tend to fall into upping criticism and dropping appreciation

3. Intimacy.

Men want a partner who will listen, who will volunteer information about their own lives and discoveries and someone who smiles and excitedly shares their hopes and dreams. Of course, men don't generally know how to communicate this. In their existing relationship the tendency is to think, "We're married, I know everything about you ... " In their new relationship everything is new and exciting and learning about the new partner is initially easy and the feeling of intimate connection is created.

4. Feeling wanted.

Everyone wants to feel wanted regardless of age, gender or occupation. Men are no different. And men tend to be socialized to provide security and strength as an expectation, rather than something to be appreciated for. As life moves along a man can often feel like his contribution is taken for granted and who he is, as opposed to what he can provide, becomes less important. In a new relationship suddenly he matters again.

5. s-ex.

Speaking of fun activities, men generally do want s-ex and the more the better. s-ex is one way that men feel connected to their partner. Men also feel appreciated and wanted when they have s-ex with their partner. So for men, s-ex provides the first four items on our list plus physical pleasure that allows men to focus totally on the present moment. In a new relationship the s-ex tends to be a lot more frequent. At least initially!
So what's the answer?

When a man thinks about cheating it's likely that he's not happy about the relationship he's in and/or that something is missing. What also seems to happen is that men feel victimized by their relationship and believe they have no power to influence a change. "If only she would ..." is often a refrain that many married men espouse and yet they say nothing to their partner. Or complain that when they try, she just doesn't listen.

Sure there's a part that the partner plays in all this but I'm talking about the male side of the equation and what the man can do to find what he's looking for within his relationship.
I see four main approaches being part of the cure:

1. Be brave. Speak up about what is concerning you or lacking in your relationship — regardless of the response that comes up from your partner. If you want something different in your relationship, you need to become courageous and communicate clearly. Then the possibility for creating something very different and special can exist.

2. Take responsibility. Be open and interested in what you are doing to contribute to the state of your relationship. And be willing to make your own changes.

3. Recognize the difference between feeling sexual and taking action. Sexual feelings, like all our other feelings, are not under our control. Acting on our sexual feelings is totally under our control. Don't use the "I just couldn't help myself" line to excuse your behavior.

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